Since my family's Thanksgiving was held a week early due to my cousin getting married the real Thanksgiving weekend in Mexico, I'll be flying solo in DM for Turkey Day. My generous boss has invited me to crash her small family gathering, I accepted. It'll be fun...I like to witness other people's families in action...
Anyway, she sent her stepdad an email giving him a heads up that she was inviting her co-worker. He responded with:
'Just so I won’t be surprised, is this Valerie a negro?'
Hilarious! I'm about as white as one can get. Gotta love old people. I can't wait until I'm old and can dispose of my pesky filter!
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Monday, November 22, 2010
From the Archive.
So, there used to be this amazing blog I started with my awesome roommate...it was supposed to be a secret, but I had a lapse in judgment, and revealed myself...and then in a moment of sheer terror, I deleted the entire thing. Below are a couple of my posts from the initial blog.
Haven't I Met You Before?
I was telling a couple man friends this story this past weekend and realized that it may be blogworthy.
One of my more talked about dates has been Justin. His name has not been changed to protect his identity, because his texting skills mimic those of a stalker. This has been a few months ago, like Hockey season, so lets call it Christmas/New Yearsish. Anyway, I'd been chatting with this pictureless dude for a couple days, and finally asked him to send me a pic, not that I'm superficial, but, yes. I am. He asked if he could text me it, because he didn't have any recent pictures on his parent's computer because it was too old. Red flag, yes, but these types of things can be explained away with proper grammar. So he sends me a picture. It's acceptable. But now he's got my phone number and apparently with it comes the confidence to use it whenever he finds the time.
Yes, so this was Christmas 2009 and it was a wretched weather situation going on....so I went home a few days before Christmas and Justin was texting me all kinds of stupid crap that I must have been in the mood to be accepting of...until this winner. I tell him that I'm at my sister's house in the middle of northeastern Iowa for the rest of the week, so our date that was supposed to have happened before the holiday season was going to have to be postponed. He said that was alright, because that's what the Christmas season is all about, and I quote, 'family and God'. Now, I'm not going to for one minute deny my faith in Jesus, my Catholic upbringing, or my current believer status, but this 'relationship' was still very in the 'I haven't met you stages!' and typically people aren't name dropping their religious beliefs at this point. And I'm pretty sure, the following day he sent me a picture of his little dogs, thinking that could possibly impress me...clearly, this idiot does not know me.
Anyway, with all this aside, Christmas passes, and I'm back in Des Moines after a truely blessed Christmas with the family. I must have given in and decided to go out with him shortly after New Years. He's a youth hockey coach, and 'works at a dental office' west of Des Moines. So we agree go to a Bucs game...meet at a bar across the street about a half hour before the game...let me point out right now that I thought something was weird about him within 6 minutes of shaking his hand. But we go to the game, and he's telling me about whats going on in the game....which is actually appreciated since I don't typically know anything about this sportsy stuff....but he's talking hockey crap out the side of his mouth, like he's sharing inside secrets that the rest of the drunken crowd shouldn't hear. Whatever....we make small talk....things are getting weirder. I ask him about his job, 'working in a dental office'. I ask him, what do you do in this dental office? He's a dentist, just didn't want to put it in his profile because he didn't want money hungry hoe's after his bank roll. Whatever, dipshit. Things are getting excessively weirder right now, and I'm probably 4 beers into the evening, which is where my acceptance skills kick in and my fight or flight dissappears. We end up going to a bar afterwards (duh). Continue on with the small talk. By the end of the night I'm quizzing him on who he went to school with at Iowa. We have a friend in common. I must have asked him at this point if I had met him before (at least 6 times), and he is vehemently denying my accusations. I conjure up a number of situations in which I may have met him before...I explain each crazy sounding story in detail. Nope, Justin says, I don't think I've met you before.
Well, how about this one....We've gone out before! 1 date, 2005ish, while he was in dental school. I met him at Drink, and we went to a Mexican restaurant out by Jordan Creek Mall. After dinner he wanted to go on a walk around the stupid pond and hold hands. I thought for sure he was gay. But he proceeded to text and call me constantly afterwards, I did not respond to any of his requests back then....but this time was a different beast. I was older, and more experienced in the ways of the world, I vowed to consider giving it a shot.
We say our goodbyes (yes, for the second 1st time) and I tell him that I'll talk to him again soon. It was the booze talking. The next day, I believe he text me 6 times before I was out of my 12:45 massage appointment. I finally responded with a very clear, 'YOUR PERSISTANCE IS ANNOYING THE SHIT OUT OF ME'. And yes, he responded promptly with something painfully desparate. No, we did not go out again...but talk to me again in 2014.
And this is why you should never delete a phone number out of your cell. Crazy people have a way of accidently wandering back into your life. Had I already had his number when I received that fateful first picture, I would have known to fall off the face of Beaverdale waaaay sooner.
One of my more talked about dates has been Justin. His name has not been changed to protect his identity, because his texting skills mimic those of a stalker. This has been a few months ago, like Hockey season, so lets call it Christmas/New Yearsish. Anyway, I'd been chatting with this pictureless dude for a couple days, and finally asked him to send me a pic, not that I'm superficial, but, yes. I am. He asked if he could text me it, because he didn't have any recent pictures on his parent's computer because it was too old. Red flag, yes, but these types of things can be explained away with proper grammar. So he sends me a picture. It's acceptable. But now he's got my phone number and apparently with it comes the confidence to use it whenever he finds the time.
Yes, so this was Christmas 2009 and it was a wretched weather situation going on....so I went home a few days before Christmas and Justin was texting me all kinds of stupid crap that I must have been in the mood to be accepting of...until this winner. I tell him that I'm at my sister's house in the middle of northeastern Iowa for the rest of the week, so our date that was supposed to have happened before the holiday season was going to have to be postponed. He said that was alright, because that's what the Christmas season is all about, and I quote, 'family and God'. Now, I'm not going to for one minute deny my faith in Jesus, my Catholic upbringing, or my current believer status, but this 'relationship' was still very in the 'I haven't met you stages!' and typically people aren't name dropping their religious beliefs at this point. And I'm pretty sure, the following day he sent me a picture of his little dogs, thinking that could possibly impress me...clearly, this idiot does not know me.
Anyway, with all this aside, Christmas passes, and I'm back in Des Moines after a truely blessed Christmas with the family. I must have given in and decided to go out with him shortly after New Years. He's a youth hockey coach, and 'works at a dental office' west of Des Moines. So we agree go to a Bucs game...meet at a bar across the street about a half hour before the game...let me point out right now that I thought something was weird about him within 6 minutes of shaking his hand. But we go to the game, and he's telling me about whats going on in the game....which is actually appreciated since I don't typically know anything about this sportsy stuff....but he's talking hockey crap out the side of his mouth, like he's sharing inside secrets that the rest of the drunken crowd shouldn't hear. Whatever....we make small talk....things are getting weirder. I ask him about his job, 'working in a dental office'. I ask him, what do you do in this dental office? He's a dentist, just didn't want to put it in his profile because he didn't want money hungry hoe's after his bank roll. Whatever, dipshit. Things are getting excessively weirder right now, and I'm probably 4 beers into the evening, which is where my acceptance skills kick in and my fight or flight dissappears. We end up going to a bar afterwards (duh). Continue on with the small talk. By the end of the night I'm quizzing him on who he went to school with at Iowa. We have a friend in common. I must have asked him at this point if I had met him before (at least 6 times), and he is vehemently denying my accusations. I conjure up a number of situations in which I may have met him before...I explain each crazy sounding story in detail. Nope, Justin says, I don't think I've met you before.
Well, how about this one....We've gone out before! 1 date, 2005ish, while he was in dental school. I met him at Drink, and we went to a Mexican restaurant out by Jordan Creek Mall. After dinner he wanted to go on a walk around the stupid pond and hold hands. I thought for sure he was gay. But he proceeded to text and call me constantly afterwards, I did not respond to any of his requests back then....but this time was a different beast. I was older, and more experienced in the ways of the world, I vowed to consider giving it a shot.
We say our goodbyes (yes, for the second 1st time) and I tell him that I'll talk to him again soon. It was the booze talking. The next day, I believe he text me 6 times before I was out of my 12:45 massage appointment. I finally responded with a very clear, 'YOUR PERSISTANCE IS ANNOYING THE SHIT OUT OF ME'. And yes, he responded promptly with something painfully desparate. No, we did not go out again...but talk to me again in 2014.
And this is why you should never delete a phone number out of your cell. Crazy people have a way of accidently wandering back into your life. Had I already had his number when I received that fateful first picture, I would have known to fall off the face of Beaverdale waaaay sooner.
Shit....happened :(
So, when things turn out to suck as bad as you were afraid they would.....then what? I just got my fragile little heart broken ;( This doesn't happen very often because I rarely let anyone in close enough to do so...but it happens I guess. My stomach hurts. I feel like i got simultaneously punched in the face and stomach. I cried like a big huge baby, at my favorite bar. Like weeping. It didn't help that I was about 4 hours into a drunken night of ridiculous proportions....when I woke up this morning I bawled some more, and then I told my story a couple times and bawled some more. I feel like a big pile of ass....but now its time to find my smiley face and happy pants. Date night....no more cryin. I wish I were a baseball player.
And Then, I went on a date with a stripper.
And now he seems to be like Visa, everywhere I want to be.
I'm not sure what I was thinking. I knew before I went out with Kevin that he was an 'entrepreneur' and owned his own party bus service, that was like no where else in town. Ok, I'll bite, I thought. So I think this was a Sunday night date at Starbucks. He was like 6'7" tall and I was intrigued. I think this may have been the day after I typed the blog entitled, 'it happened :(' Not one of my happiest days.
Anyway, so he was strangely against meeting for alcoholic drinks...which is weird. I just wish Starbucks would suck it up and get a liquor license. At least that way the next time someone wants to meet me there I can go early and get an Irish Coffee or at least some Bailey's with my caffeine! He opened with a 15-20 minute story about how an ex girlfriend back in the day was a drug dealer, and since the money was so good, he joined her in some multi-state drug dealing business....and got busted. Prison stories are entertaining, btw. He was nothing if not interesting and colorful. Turns out after he got out of the big house, he attempted to get jobs everywhere, and this economy being the way it is, there just wasn't a lot available. So he decided to take advantage of his newly buff bod (he used his time wisely while he was in prison fending off the boys). He just so happened to be in prime shape to take it all off for a living. Just to be honest, he's a stripper broker which is the professional jargon for P.I.M.P. If you happen to be in any city in this great nation and google, "strippers in 'My Town USA'", he's got his biznass website set up to be one of the first websites that pops up. He's got a network of strippers all over the country that he's waiting to dispatch to your night of debauchery. He put my dingy stories to shame.
So there we are, sitting at Starbucks on a Sunday night exchanging stories about prison, drug deals gone bad, and the booming stripping business while cute college students sip their coffee and try to concentrate on their Calculus, meanwhile I can see their raised eyebrow and tweaked ear. I don't know how that date ended, possibly with an extremely awkward hug and a, 'Hey, I'll talk to you later! This was fun. We should do it again!' Who believes this shit?
Anyway, I may have talked or text him a few times after that date, he was hot, and I was kind of impressed that I could pull such a hot piece of a$$ (i didn't!), but I could have. Not the point. Clearly, what stopped me from pursuing this mess was the vision in my head of introducing him to my parents and grandparents. Sure, I'd have some dismayed cousins, and a couple others that might try to hide that they were impressed, but hell. I just couldn't spin the 'Entrepreneur' story quite far enough for it to be acceptable. I understand he was doing all he could do with his ex-con past lingering all over his job applications, and he wasn't interested in skanks.....but sorry, I'm just not your girl.
Anyway, a second meeting just wasn't in the cards. He always wanted me to come to his house, or him to my little hut (not happening)....strippin ain't easy, but I hear it's lucrative. Take a girl out!
His lack of enthusiasm for going to have a drink really confused me once I started running into him on random weeknights at bars in the 515...I think I may have even stopped going out with R3 during the week because I only saw him when I was with her. One night we were checking out a band downtown, and he lingered behind me for a very uncomfortable amount of time (felt like 2 hours). Then another night at Wellmans he was wearing a baby tee, size XS on his massive muscular frame, and couldn't be missed. Bloody Hell. I spend these nights staring at the opposing wall and making eye contact with people's shoes.
I wonder if I can get pics off of POF to post along with these stories?
I'm not sure what I was thinking. I knew before I went out with Kevin that he was an 'entrepreneur' and owned his own party bus service, that was like no where else in town. Ok, I'll bite, I thought. So I think this was a Sunday night date at Starbucks. He was like 6'7" tall and I was intrigued. I think this may have been the day after I typed the blog entitled, 'it happened :(' Not one of my happiest days.
Anyway, so he was strangely against meeting for alcoholic drinks...which is weird. I just wish Starbucks would suck it up and get a liquor license. At least that way the next time someone wants to meet me there I can go early and get an Irish Coffee or at least some Bailey's with my caffeine! He opened with a 15-20 minute story about how an ex girlfriend back in the day was a drug dealer, and since the money was so good, he joined her in some multi-state drug dealing business....and got busted. Prison stories are entertaining, btw. He was nothing if not interesting and colorful. Turns out after he got out of the big house, he attempted to get jobs everywhere, and this economy being the way it is, there just wasn't a lot available. So he decided to take advantage of his newly buff bod (he used his time wisely while he was in prison fending off the boys). He just so happened to be in prime shape to take it all off for a living. Just to be honest, he's a stripper broker which is the professional jargon for P.I.M.P. If you happen to be in any city in this great nation and google, "strippers in 'My Town USA'", he's got his biznass website set up to be one of the first websites that pops up. He's got a network of strippers all over the country that he's waiting to dispatch to your night of debauchery. He put my dingy stories to shame.
So there we are, sitting at Starbucks on a Sunday night exchanging stories about prison, drug deals gone bad, and the booming stripping business while cute college students sip their coffee and try to concentrate on their Calculus, meanwhile I can see their raised eyebrow and tweaked ear. I don't know how that date ended, possibly with an extremely awkward hug and a, 'Hey, I'll talk to you later! This was fun. We should do it again!' Who believes this shit?
Anyway, I may have talked or text him a few times after that date, he was hot, and I was kind of impressed that I could pull such a hot piece of a$$ (i didn't!), but I could have. Not the point. Clearly, what stopped me from pursuing this mess was the vision in my head of introducing him to my parents and grandparents. Sure, I'd have some dismayed cousins, and a couple others that might try to hide that they were impressed, but hell. I just couldn't spin the 'Entrepreneur' story quite far enough for it to be acceptable. I understand he was doing all he could do with his ex-con past lingering all over his job applications, and he wasn't interested in skanks.....but sorry, I'm just not your girl.
Anyway, a second meeting just wasn't in the cards. He always wanted me to come to his house, or him to my little hut (not happening)....strippin ain't easy, but I hear it's lucrative. Take a girl out!
His lack of enthusiasm for going to have a drink really confused me once I started running into him on random weeknights at bars in the 515...I think I may have even stopped going out with R3 during the week because I only saw him when I was with her. One night we were checking out a band downtown, and he lingered behind me for a very uncomfortable amount of time (felt like 2 hours). Then another night at Wellmans he was wearing a baby tee, size XS on his massive muscular frame, and couldn't be missed. Bloody Hell. I spend these nights staring at the opposing wall and making eye contact with people's shoes.
I wonder if I can get pics off of POF to post along with these stories?
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